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Feedback on Item lore

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  • Feedback on Item lore

    Here are small suggestions for item lore changes. Only one or two of these are correcting flat-out mistakes; the rest are suggestions regarding word choice or wordiness, and harmonizing style between item lore. I will not be offended if you adopt none of my suggestions, and you owe me no explanation if you think the originals are better.


    Bottle
    An old bottle that survived the ages, the contents placed inside become enchanted.
    An old bottle that survived the ages, it enchants its contents.
    (I'm still not terribly happy with my formulation.)


    Clarity
    Clear water that enhances the ability to meditate.
    Clear water that enhances your ability to meditate.
    Clear water that enhances meditation.


    Slippers of Agility
    Light boots made from spider skin that tingles your senses.
    Moccasins/Pantofles/Slippers made from spider skin that tingles your senses.
    (It's awkward to have both the +3 and +6 Agility items be "boots".)


    Boots of Elvenskin
    A pair of boots often used for their light weight and ease of movement.
    A pair of boots prized for their light weight and ease of movement.


    Chainmail
    A medium weave of metal chains.
    A medium weave of metal rings/links.


    Javelin
    A rather typical spear that can sometimes pierce through an enemy's armor when used to attack.
    An ordinary spear that can sometimes pierce an enemy's armor.


    Morbid Mask
    A mask that drains the energy of those caught in its gaze.
    A mask that drains the life-energy of those caught in its gaze.
    (Energy is sometimes used as a synonym for mana, e.g. Energy Booster, so this could be confusing. This change harmonizes the use of life-energy with Armlet.)


    Ghost Scepter
    Imbues the wielder with a ghostly presence, allowing them to evade physical damage.
    Imbues the wielder with a ghostly presence, allowing him to evade physical damage.


    Ring of Regen
    This ring is considered a good luck charm among the Gnomes.
    This ring is considered a good luck charm among the gnomes.
    (cf. Quelling Blade)


    Oblivion Staff
    Deceptively hidden as an ordinary quarterstaff, it is actually very powerful, much like the Eldritch who originally possessed it.
    Deceptively disguised as an ordinary quarterstaff, it is actually very powerful, much like the Eldritch who originally possessed it.


    Phase Boots
    Boots that allow the wearer to travel between the ether.
    Boots that allow the wearer to travel through the ether.


    Perseverance
    A gem that grants heart to the bearer.
    A gem that gives heart to the bearer.
    ("Grants heart" makes perfect sense, but it's sour to my ear.)


    Ring of Basilius
    Ring given as a reward to the greatest mages.
    A ring given as a reward to the greatest mages.


    Eye of Skadi
    Extremely rare artifact, guarded by the azure dragons.
    An extremely rare artifact, guarded by the azure dragons.


    Mystic Staff
    Enigmatic staff made of only the most expensive crystals.
    An enigmatic staff made of only the most expensive crystals.


    Vladmir's Offering
    An eerie mask that is haunted with the malice of a fallen vampire.
    An eerie mask that is haunted by the malice of a fallen vampire.


    Drum of Endurance
    A relic that enchants the bodies of those around it for swifter movement in times of crisis.
    A relic that enchants those nearby with swifter movement in times of crisis.


    Scythe of Vyse
    The most guarded relic among the cult of Vyse, it is the most coveted weapon among magi.
    The most guarded relic of the cult of Vyse, it is the most coveted weapon among/amongst magi.
    ("Among" used twice.)


    Mask of Madness
    Once this mask is worn, it's bearer becomes an uncontrollable aggressive force.
    Once this mask is worn, its bearer becomes an uncontrollable aggressive force.


    Desolator
    A wicked weapon, used in torturing political criminals.
    A wicked weapon, used to torture political criminals.

    • A few items from Consumables and the Secret Shop do not yet have lore. (Update: I think the only ones left are Dust of Appearance, Smoke of Deceit, Sentry Ward, Observer Ward, and Town Portal Scroll.)
    • "Among" and "amongst" both appear frequently in lore. That's OK if it's intentional, but it sounds odd to me. I would go with "amongst".
    • A few items have sentence fragments for lore. That's not intrinsically bad, but there are only three instances that I found: Urn of Shadows, Headdress, and Force Staff. They stuck out.
    If this has been helpful to you, I would be happy to review Hero and ability lore. However, if this has not been helpful to you, I don't want to waste more of your time. Just say the word.
    Last edited by Kroocsiogsi; 03-02-2012, 08:08 PM.

  • #2
    Good changes which makes sense!
    Healthbar & lasthitting
    Shop Layout - Legacy Shops
    Tooltip issues compilation
    How to create a better dota 2 environment

    Comment


    • #3
      Very good changes, but I've noticed two mistakes.

      "Slippers of Agility
      Light boots made from spider skin that tingles your senses.
      Moccasins/Pantofles/Slippers made from spider skin that tingles your senses.
      (It's awkward to have both the +3 and +6 Agility items be "boots".)"

      He/She/It = Tingles (He tingles, she tingles, it tingles)
      I/They/We/You = Tingle (I tingle, they tingle, we tingle, you tingle).

      Should be changed to "that tingle your senses."


      "Ghost Scepter
      Imbues the wielder with a ghostly presence, allowing them to evade physical damage.
      Imbues the wielder with a ghostly presence, allowing him to evade physical damage."

      This should be rephrased overall, since nor is a single hero "They", nor are heroes always male (notice the him part).

      It could go something like this "Imbues the wielder with a ghostly presence, giving the power to evade physical damage."



      Still +1
      Brainwashing people is fun.

      Comment


      • #4
        Very nice job. Here's a suggestion for the bottle:

        "An age-old bottle that enchants its contents."

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by setuxas View Post
          Should be changed to "that tingle your senses."
          Actually it's the spider skin that tingles your senses, not the boots, so the original is correct. It's an almost-dangling modifier. Since it trips readers up, perhaps it should be revised.

          Originally posted by setuxas View Post
          This should be rephrased overall, since nor is a single hero "They", nor are heroes always male (notice the him part).

          It could go something like this "Imbues the wielder with a ghostly presence, giving the power to evade physical damage."
          Traditionally, "he" can refer to either a male or to a person of unspecified gender. In modern use, gender awareness has pushed toward the use of "he or she" (stiff) or "they" (bizarre). I prefer the traditional use of "he", which is why I suggested the change from "they".

          However, the best solution is often to rewrite the sentence, as you have done, and I endorse your suggestion over my own. Thanks.

          Comment


          • #6
            Bump.

            Comment

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