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Pitlord Lore Attempt

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  • Pitlord Lore Attempt

    Well as you notice this is my first post, so if there is any mistakes, please do not be afraid to correct me.

    Pitlord Lore :

    Deep within the Outer Hells lies a prison where unlucky souls will be damned forever and for this to be kept running, one warden must maintain it.
    The one chosen for it to be guarded is Azgalor, The Pitlord. Azgalor was born Half-Dragon and Half-Infernal and Due to his abilities, he was trained mainly for combat. As he grew, He saw the outer worlds and saw an unending war, something that he always wanted, something that he have a thirst he cannot quench. As his final training is done, He was to be the warden of the prison of the Outer Hells. Azgalor was not satisfied, He wanted to go to war and he saw the Outer Hells as a prison for him itself.

    Many centuries later, He gained reputation, He was known for bringing back very powerful escaped prisoners and for this he was called Pit Lord.
    No prisoner have ever left without Azgalor noticing but then as Azgalor was wandering and observing the unending war that even now haven't stopped, A very powerful infamous Golem have been summoned out of the prison. Azgalor was ordered to kill whoever used the forbidden summoning artifact. Azgalor ended up in the midst of the battlefield. He saw two forces, The Radiant and The Dire. He then noticed that he have ended up where he wanted to be, War. Still as he fights in the battlefield, He still searches for the person who used the forbidden artifact, Warlock.

    Hero Responses :

    Spawn :
    I have come for two things, War and Warlock.
    Be ready to be Burned.
    Unending Imprisonment.
    Fire is my companion.

    Battle Begins :
    Amuse Me.
    War shall start.

    First Blood :
    You're weak.
    You are not worth my time.

    Moving :
    Out of the way.
    Burn my path.
    We shall see.
    Amuse Me.
    I shall kill!
    Where is Warlock?

    Attacking :
    I shall kill!
    Burn!
    Kill indeed.
    I shall slay you.

    Killing a Hero :
    See you at the prison.
    Become ash.
    Fire shall burn you.
    This is not ordinary fire but it is Hell Fire!

    Killing Warlock :
    Give me the Golem back!
    I Shall break you like you break my reputation!
    Thanks to you I'm in War, Warlock!

    Dark Rift Casted :
    I'll be back.
    I'll deal with you later.

    Well this is my first post so please correct me if I'm wrong

  • #2
    This sentence was written before I even started reading: don't center your text, it looks weird.
    ----
    Azgalor, The Pitlord
    Nope. Nnnnnope. He's not Azgalor - this name is copyrighted by Blizzard, he will have to get an other name... Or, no name at all, looking at Shadow Demon.


    All in all, the rest of the story is rather clumsily worded and has a lot of redundant "he" parts. Though the story itself, as in the concept, doesn't look that bad.

    The hero lines, on the other hand, are... Generic, let's say. Though they did invoke some nostalgia for me, his obsession with seeking out Warlock is very similar to Maive's quest for Illidan in WC3: TFT. But, still, I would say that he could use a different main theme - for instance, imprisonment and, therefore, puns on prison et cetera. Or, if we are to stick with this, you will have to order a lot of ham, because this is what he needs here. Currently it's just a plain breadloaf, and to have a sandwich - you will need at least some ham and cheese.
    Heroes this user should seriously reconsider ever picking again.

    THE DOTA 2 LORE MEGATHREAD IS TO BE UPDATED BY JULY 5TH

    Visit the Dota 2 Lore Megathread. Renovation ongoing.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by 1337_n00b View Post
      This sentence was written before I even started reading: don't center your text, it looks weird.
      ----

      Nope. Nnnnnope. He's not Azgalor - this name is copyrighted by Blizzard, he will have to get an other name... Or, no name at all, looking at Shadow Demon.


      All in all, the rest of the story is rather clumsily worded and has a lot of redundant "he" parts. Though the story itself, as in the concept, doesn't look that bad.

      The hero lines, on the other hand, are... Generic, let's say. Though they did invoke some nostalgia for me, his obsession with seeking out Warlock is very similar to Maive's quest for Illidan in WC3: TFT. But, still, I would say that he could use a different main theme - for instance, imprisonment and, therefore, puns on prison et cetera. Or, if we are to stick with this, you will have to order a lot of ham, because this is what he needs here. Currently it's just a plain breadloaf, and to have a sandwich - you will need at least some ham and cheese.
      Thanks for that man, I'll try to improve.

      Comment


      • #4
        Ok, right away I want to say that I don't mean to be a grammar nazi, but they are a few mistakes here, 'unending war that even now hasn't stopped'.
        On to something a bit more important, there are a few words that are used too many times, like "saw". You should use at least once witness, behold, observed, or any other variant.
        As for the actual story, I definitely like the idea you're playing with, that he fights for the thrill of it, in comparison to his rather, well let's just say boring job in the underworld, though I also have mixed feelings toward the Warlock vendetta, however it's not bad, but could be reworked (nothing better to add on that yet though^^)
        Everyone has a story.

        For a list of all fan lores of unreleased heroes, http://dev.dota2.com/showthread.php?t=37955.

        Comment

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