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Thread: Phoenix lore attempt

  1. #1
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    Phoenix Lore attempt

    This thing is pretty long, so if you don't want to read the whole post I suggest you to read Lore and Rivalry lines, since they, in my opinion, contain the most important parts. Still, reading it whole is advisable.

    Lore:
    In the beginning, there was naught. No life to enjoy its' brief, yet meaningful moments, and no death to seal its' place in the pages of history. Only darkness too scarred by the primordial strife, as if the reality itself gave its' final say against something more. But, like every conflict, no matter its' proportions, it came to an end. From this end, came a new beginning. From nothing, came Balance. From it sprung the first stars, from which sprung the first worlds, from which, in turn, sprung the first earthborn life. But long before life crawled out from the great seas, living beings emerged from the stars. When the seven rays fused together for the first time in a magnificent pyre of creation, a majestic being flew out. Icarus was his name.

    Given outstanding intellect and neverending lifespan, for death was a part of his life no less than sleep is a part of the life of men, Icarus soon figured out the great fabrics of creation. From mere Balance, he knew, life could effortlessly arise, and with no need for intervention, he concluded, it could end, making place for another cycle. It was a good scheme, one no one would seek to usurp or harm in any way. At least he thought so. Countless wars came, wars that pitch various sides against each other, some of which knowingly or unknowingly harm the very Balance itself. Aware of the fact that he is its' sole guardian, Icarus stands ready to defend it, eager to sacrifice himself time and time again to balance the scales of life and death. Because, he knows, if the cosmos forcefully reverts into its' dormant, dead state, darkness will reign once more.


    Personality:
    On the 'seriousness scale', Phoenix stands somewhere between Lich and elemental heroes, like Enigma and Apparition. While most of his lines are serious and cheesy, he does crack a joke here and there, and there are some puns, because, you know, it's DotA2 after all.


    Quotes:

    Spawning
    You have summoned Icarus.
    Phoenix!
    We won't fight in a shade.
    *fowl call*
    Time to even the scales.
    I devote my lives to this cause.

    Beginning the Battle
    Dawn of war, twilight of imbalance.

    Drawing First Blood
    A first move towards Balance.

    Moving
    Relatively fast.
    In a line.
    I know the way.
    Hm, nice sight.
    Focused.
    Reflecting on my situation.
    I see.
    A million degrees view.
    Light the path.
    *generic move line, yes, okay, going etc.*

    Attacking
    You are focused!
    Last resort.
    Your time to act.
    Life or death, choose.
    Don't fear death, face it!
    Your cycle is at end!
    I intervene.
    *generic attack lines, attack, die, rawr etc.*

    Casting a Spell
    I give, they recieve.
    Worth it.
    No pain, no gain.

    Casting Fire Spirits
    My very essence.
    Four's a charm.
    Four lives, four deaths.
    Reminds me of my childhood.
    Just watch, it's getting interesting.

    Firing Fire Spirits
    Zing, finished!
    You better be ready.
    Ah, they grow up so fast.
    Projection of my will.

    Casting Icarus Dive
    A balanced flight.
    I'm traveling at the speed of light!
    Don't stop me now!
    There and back!

    Casting Sun Ray
    My soul, expelled across the world.
    Maximum focus!
    Take my advice. Run.
    My soul is now polarized towards death!
    Witness the pyre of creation.
    Power overwhelming.

    Killing With Sun Ray
    That's why they call me Mr.Fahrenheit!
    I told you to run.
    Death with style.

    Casting Supernova
    Sol invictus!
    I'm having a ball!
    Choose wisely.
    Balling.
    My true form.

    Finishing Supernova
    I shed my old life.
    That's how you trick death.
    Best feeling in the universe!
    My powers, lit anew.

    Getting killed in Supernova
    Sol... mortuus.
    I regret nothing.
    Was it... worth it?
    Your choice... was wise.
    My spark, quenched.

    Gaining a Level
    Intensifying.
    Local warming.
    Is it hot or is it just me?
    On a higher scale.
    In each life, something new.
    It is always time to learn.
    Quickening!
    Let the sunshine in.
    They call me the Red Giant.

    Killing a Hero
    I am your funeral pyre.
    Cremation.
    Your life. Your legacy.
    You will live on through your actions.
    May we meet again in some other life.
    Your life sets.
    Now you know how easy it is.
    Dusk of your existence.
    Your sins, cleansed.
    I was just getting warmed up.

    Killing a Flying Hero
    You flew too close to the sun.

    Killing a Rival
    You rejected the sun, and vice versa.
    I didn't bring the first day to your kind, but I sure did bring the last.
    You ride with the moon. I ride with the sun.
    Every sun dies. Not every sun really lives.
    Abyss stared into me. I guess it went blind.
    Your existence, a theory. Your demise, a fact.
    Sorry Sylla, I am not taking that chance.
    He that burns and is consumed.
    Your fortune faded.
    Alpha wolf, meet gamma ray.
    Lina, fire is a tool, not a toy.
    Your arrows cannot block out the sun.
    I guess we fought in a shade.
    Don't take reincarnation for granted, Ostarion.
    Arc Honist, old friend, your vessel fails you.
    I admire your resolve, but I despise your ways.
    You have seen the truth. Then why?
    Heat seeking missiles and still you failed.
    You earthborns never cease to amuse me.
    Fire on a stick. Death on a beak.
    Blow off some steam, Morphling.
    Balance isn't a matter of personal preference, Weaver.
    Balance has a weird sense of humour sometimes.
    You cannot stop what the Balance set in motion.
    It pains me to strike down a fellow baller.
    Soul of Phoenix my ass!
    Don't talk to me about magic. I was there when it was made.
    Rage achieves nothing.
    I don't have nightmares because I dream with my eyes wide open.
    You live on through your actions, not through your beliefs.
    Fire isn't something you can own.
    Prometheus endured the eagle, but a mere fowl was too much for you.

    Meeting an Ally
    Different views, Sylla, but the same goal.
    I promised yours to watch over you, Puck.
    Let's ball out of control!
    What's wrong with a little destruction?
    Arc Honist, old friend, we meet again!
    You carry a great dragon in yourself, Davion.
    Some habits never die, right Ostarion?

    Last Hitting
    Recycled.
    It won't be in vain.
    Cost of life.
    Combust.
    Life well spent.
    You live through me.
    It's just a number 79 to me.

    Denying
    You had your chance.
    Act faster next time.
    A wasted opportunity for you.
    You will have to wait.
    Your actions yield nothing.
    I am flying cycles around you!
    *generic deny lines*

    Dying
    If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing.
    I will... fix this.
    Good time to be a Phoenix...
    Nothing left to spend.
    More than six seconds, I'm afraid.
    Death, once again...
    My ashes, my seed.
    The grim side of Balance.
    Phoenix... is down.
    Worth it.
    I die... in a way.
    My sun sets to raise again.

    Using Aegis
    My new... record, ha ha ha!
    Shortest eclipse ever, ha ha!

    Buying Back
    In the end, there is none.
    If I have to go down, I will go down in flames.

    Respawning
    No surprise there.
    A new life, a new chance.
    You get used to it.
    To me, death is like a good nap.
    Reignited.
    Death isn't light, but it isn't heavy either.
    Dawn, sweet dawn!
    Let's get even.
    A new cycle.

    Rare/On selection
    Fire is more than mortals may percieve it to be. It is a way of life. And a way of death.
    In Balance is freedom. In life is duty. In death is peace.
    My duty will end when the last sun dies. Never.
    Don't call me imbalanced. It hurts.

    Buying an Expensive, Recipe-based Item
    A weird kind of fusion.
    Everything, even this, came from the stars.
    Gold to burn.
    So that's why earthborns have scales.

    Buying a Specific Item
    What a balanced grip!
    Blink dagger!
    Can it turn someone into a fowl?
    Scythe of Vyse!
    Ice guards fire.
    Shiva's Guard!
    Whoever made this ring knew how the things work.
    Soul ring!
    Veil of Discord!
    Necronomicon!
    Mekansm!

    Thanking
    The eternity wouldn't be the same without you.
    I will return the favor.
    My thanks.

    Winning
    Perfect harmony!
    *fowl call*
    The age of Balance has dawned!

    Losing
    What a grim day.
    A shame through eternity.

    Taking Aegis of the Immortal
    Lux Aeterna!
    Death has never been more distant.
    Immortality...

    Getting Turned into a Chicken
    Um, fowl actually.
    Ugh, gender-bent.
    Hm... Nice!

    Failing to Kill a Hero/Being Interrupted
    Ugh, my concentration.
    My vision went dim.
    Sun fever.
    Gotta reignite myself.
    Thrown off balance.


    Flavour text

    Icarus Dive
    'As he traveled between the stars, Icarus found the quickest way to do so.'

    Fire Spirits
    'He watched as the stars gave birth to planets. He watched and decided to act.'

    Sun Ray
    'Drawing from his soul, Icarus can ignite the very pyre from which he emerged.'

    Supernova
    'The Phoenix willingly ends his current life for the chance to be reborn.'
    Last edited by Khassar; 01-15-2014 at 11:30 AM.

  2. #2
    Basic Member 1337_n00b's Avatar
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    Okay, where do I begin. Oh, right, nitpicking. The lore would suit KotL a bit better, to be honest, since he kind of is the Keeper of the Light. De facto, I would actually expect KotL to be a very close ally of his. That's it; my only possible complaint about this concept.

    The wording is almost perfect, the story itself sounds as epic as it should be and as entertaining as it is, but the best part would be the quotes.

    I couldn't find a single verse of dialogue that I honestly didn't like at all, though some movement lines look a little weird. Each and every one of them just has me able to imagine the Phoenix saying this, preferably voiced by someone among the lines of Tom Chantler/David Scully or Steve Blum. Really, the only thing you can possibly do with this is add some missing ones. You have managed to nail one very important thing - just by reading this, I can feel the character and kind of sort of hear his voice. I'd take the freedom to list my personal favorites. As in the lines that I would die to hear in the game.

    Dawn of war, twilight of imbalance. - It sounds incredibly cosmic. Maybe a bit similar to something the Destroyer would say, but I guess their personalities are a bit similar.

    Take my advice. Run. - That was the point where I cemented my image of what he would sound like in my mind.

    All "Getting killed in Supernova" lines - Great idea, I would not think of that, and each and every one of them is just what I would think he'd say.

    Abyss stared into me. I guess it went blind. - The single best rivalry line I remember in this game to date, and I don't think I'm exaggerating.

    My duty will end when the last sun dies. Never. - Congratulations. This is what I thought he would say when I read the first part of his lines. Before reaching Rare.
    This aside, I'll just point out some nitpicky issues:
    Sorry Syla, I am not taking that chance. - He's Sylla, double L.

    Blow off some steam Morphling. - That's just a missing comma.

    Is it hot or is it just me? - I believe this is one of Lina's level up lines.

    'To harness the power of the Sun, one must remain calm.' - That's not entirely wrong, but, first: I think I've seen Phoenix move while using Sun Ray and second: it doesn't really fit the spell. IMO, Sun Ray's spell lore should rather focus on what it does to things.

  3. #3
    Basic Member Kawaii's Avatar
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    "You rise with the moon. I rise with the sun." love the avatar reference

  4. #4
    Basic Member Martin Andrei's Avatar
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    the killing rivals are very good(mostly).I don't particulary like the change of tune in the lore in some instances: sober sober..then you break the mood with a "Speaking of which,", "to begin with","But then, something happened.","Unfortunately, these are troubled times."
    You are switching perspective in the story with this lines also.IMO working on this lines to eliminate the story-teller would better the lore.

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    @1337_n00b

    The similarity to KotL is something I figured out would happen one way or another. I mean, Icarus is a being made of light and fire while Ezalor is the Keeper of the said light, so them filling the same niche was inevitable, at least to some point. Making them close allies is something that should wait KotL's story to come up first. Personality-wise, I imagine Ezalor to be much more jolly, Gandalf-style wizard, which would differ him quite a bit from Icarus.

    I'm not really that good when it comes to voice actors, but anyone who can pull off a good 'wise old man/entity' should suffice.

    And thanks for those nitpicks, I will fix the obvious ones right away (the level up line isn't taken by Lina btw). I admit that Sun Ray could use some improvement, so please, suggestions would be much appreciated.

    Like I said, this is work in progress, so I will add more lines along the way. Items should come next.

    @Kawaii

    Glad you noticed.


    @Martin Andrei

    I intended to make Icarus the story-teller, but ditched the concept half-way through. Thanks for pointing out those lines, I will try to adjust them accordingly. If you have any ideas, please, share them.
    Last edited by Khassar; 05-12-2012 at 05:34 AM.

  6. #6
    Basic Member Vincitatus's Avatar
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    Wellllll, time for me to be nitpicky^^ I actually like your lore enough, and I particularly like the voice lines. However, there are some sentences in the lore that just don't sound right, and feel unneccesary. "Something happened, Light happened" for example, when you could just say "Light happened" right off. It's the best example, though there are a few other lines that also look extra to me. The "Speaking of which" is a bit of a breaker to the tempo of your story as well. However, I really like the direction of it.
    It seems looking at the lore and the lines that he ends up with a rather "friendly but powerful father figure" feel to him, which is a good approach since no other character has it yet (other elementals and old beings sound either pompous or menacing)

  7. #7
    Basic Member Martin Andrei's Avatar
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    "In the beginning, there was naught. No life to bring warmth and chaos to yet to be worlds, and no death to bring peace and sorrow to their unborn inhabitants. Just eternal darkness stretching through the eternity.Until light willed itself into existence(or Until a strong presence/entity,known as Light tore itself free into the cosmos.)"
    ....
    .... "Unfortunately, these are troubled times."-> "Time held other plans for the worlds/univers/cosmos etc.. unfortunately "

    just suggestions
    Last edited by Martin Andrei; 05-12-2012 at 06:34 AM.

  8. #8
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    I tweaked the lore a bit. For better or worse, that's for you to decide. I added some lines as well (interruption lines, ray move lines) and changed the Sun Ray flavour text, but nothing major really.

    @Vincitatus

    Thx for pointing the flaws out, I tried to address them. Yeah, I also imagine him having some sort of the 'father figure'. Thanks for support.

    @Martin Andrei

    I tried to incorporate those suggestions to an extent. I did shorten the lore a bit, while also making it more dynamic. Once again, thanks for suggesting those changes.

  9. #9
    Basic Member 1337_n00b's Avatar
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    Well, I had little to no problem with the lore itself, so it'd make sense to move to the lines that you've added. As of me, the new version lacks some of the depth the original had, but... What I called depth was considered rather inconsistent with the rest by the others.

    Moving further, I might be wrong, but Phoenix can not be interrupted during Icarus Dive, it's the player who decides if he does so. Or if he can, it happens once in a full moon. Still, I don't think it calls for such a wide array of reactions. And, really, I don't think that the lines for Sun Ray interruption are really that needed either - Sun Ray is hardly the most valuable channeling spell out there. Thankfully, most of the corresponding lines can easily be used as "failure" speech for when he gets hexed, so you might want to add it there. Moving during the Ray, now that's something I have absolutely no problem with. And, in fact, I think that kills with Sun Ray deserve a special cathegory as well.

    Now, if there's anything I'd wish to have added to this list as well, that would be separate lines for applying Fire Spirits to allies and, well, item dialogue/rune dialogue. And, just in case, as a matter of personal opinion, what Phoenix usually gets is: Veil of Discord, Mekansm, Drum of Endurance, Shiva's Guard, Scythe of Vyse, Necronomicon, Rod of Atos and Force Staff.
    ---
    P.S. I forgot to mention that I absolutely love it how you brought Dragon Knight's dragon name back from the original.

  10. #10
    Basic Member Vincitatus's Avatar
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    Well, actually I like the new version quite a bit better, as the first paragraph to me now flows better with the rest. I have no real suggestion to add yet, I really like it this way. Also aggreeing with 1337_noob, the Dragon Knight line is quite a nice touch. And I like the ally enigma line, though in rivalry lines I was expecting at least one "Not even you can quench my light" or something to that effect. Though that'll also be a good line for Light Keeper now I think about it...^^

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